guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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