even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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