All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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