Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
