You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize