There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
worst night to have a conscience
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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