i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
