I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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