we have pet lesbian snakes
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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