you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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