the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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