yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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