I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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