You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
