Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
