Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
