just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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