I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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