Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
