you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
