i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
