i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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