I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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