There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
