I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
