You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
