I intend to get homeless drunk
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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