I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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