If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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