We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
