Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize