Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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