You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
