im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
