a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
