good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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