look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
