i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
