I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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