I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
