it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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