I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
