Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
