feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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