So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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