Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
