Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
