Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize