It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
