if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
