He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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