Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
