I will die if light touches me.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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