Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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