Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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