Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
