Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
