I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
