I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
