Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
