Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just cut my nipple shaving
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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